Enough with the year-in-review app alerts: here are the online habits I really want to track in 2023 | Michael Sun

Unfortunately, Spotify became a gateway for a host of other apps to follow suit with their own annual wraps. I am here to say: enough! No more! To Grindr I declare: I do not need to know that 10,000 horny gay men have been listening to Sam Smith. To Strava: I definitely do not need to know that in all of last year I embarked on a sum total of two runs and both were abandoned halfway.

The only time I have ever felt anything akin to national identity is when people talk about the unbridled terror that accompanies an unexpected text message from MyGov; in these moments I feel truly unified with my fellow countrymen, one nation under panic. MyGov, in turn, should take ownership of its fearsome command: how many anxiety attacks will it induce within its users this year? As part of its year in review it could also (if you are an ATO agent please immediately stop reading this) shame me for filing my taxes five months late. I have mocked it up like so:

About two years ago, I was part of a 20-large group chat where everyone dutifully played the NYT mini crossword daily: a free 5x5 grid that we would race to finish fastest. Because I am insane, I shelled out for a subscription to access the archives not for any sense of leisure or enjoyment, but purely to train in the way a runner might do laps, except much, much nerdier and with no physical exertion. I devoured 10, 20, 50 a day until (sorry to humblebrag) I could fill in the crossword within nine seconds, barely reading each clue as my fingers blurred across the screen. My training regimen, at last, was complete.